Losing Control

Panama Red / 12x12 inches / acrylic on panel

Think about your most fun and fond memories…were they planned events or spontaneous moments? In my experience, the best times were those that I never saw coming. They happened by chance, serendipity, and a willingness to be in the moment.

Nowadays, having things NOT go as planned IS my plan. But it wasn’t always that way. I used to develop detailed sketches for my paintings. I wanted to know ahead of time that the painting would be good…a guarantee. It was my answer to the fear of failure, facing the blank canvas, and avoiding that uncomfortable feeling of “not-knowing.” The problem is that it didn’t work so well. The paintings felt lifeless. 

Imagine a world where everything is known and under control; not many opportunities for discovery…no surprises, no breakthroughs. It’s the same in art-making. Getting comfortable with not knowing is the first step to developing the “beginner’s mind.”

Beginner’s mind comes from Zen Buddhism and refers to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions when studying a subject, even when studying at an advanced level, just as a beginner would. This is what opens us up to possibilities.

Giving up control can be scary at first, but with practice it becomes liberating. When I catch my hand making too many marks that feel sure and certain, I pick up the trowel and undo them. That trowel is fucking brilliant. It makes the most beautiful, random marks. I want my work to be 20% planned and 80% intuitive, accidental, unforeseen, playful. This makes the creative journey so much more interesting. It makes the art feel alive because I feel more alive. 

“In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few.” - Shunryū Suzuki